the authentic life

~CARTIER~

au-then-tic

[aw-then-tik]

-adjective

genuine,real

I am just that. I do not try to be anyone but me. I have come to a great place in life after losing Zoe'. I have actually desired to live the best life possible. I just existed after losing Zoe'. I died that day. I lost my identity and purpose in life. The wind was knocked out of me and there was no color in my world.

Then Del Shores came into my life, first via TV then finding him only to see when the second season of SORDID LIVES would begin. We began an online friendship. I was physically very sick and emotionally bankrupt. His series gave me a new found laughter I had lost. Then we began talking and he was so authentic and his loving generosity gave me validation, a purpose if you will, to live. He sent me the series on DVD then two of his plays and this man gave me so much of his soul just by reading his plays and true words that I started to bloom. For the first time in 8 or 7 years (at that time) I was a total recluse. I was the walking wounded with severe trust issues. I have been in therapy and seeing a shrink since I forgot how to live. Thank God I had the good sense to seek help, but a shrink and therapist can only do so much. I had to do the work, but I could not find a reason or a purpose outside of Cartier and Trina ( my beloved pooches). In one year I was in ICU seven times, had surgery on both eyes and did a five day stay at the Chattanooga Heart Institute. Everyone that came into my life was needing a place to stay or looking for a vulnerable person to use. I was shocked and amazed that Del wanted nothing from me but to just live and live well. My best friends are in LA and I do know how very much they love and cherish me, but 3000 miles away is a hard hug to touch...

Del was doing a show in Atlanta on March 4, 2011 and filming his play THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF A TRAILER PARK HOUSEWIFE. I had to meet this man, if I had to walk to Atlanta I was going! I found some people to take me and meeting him was like I knew him forever. I was alive again. He inspired me beyond my wildest dreams. Then again I went to see him in Knoxville July 4, 2011. I got to meet his husband Jason Dottley and watch him do POP IT. I had the most wonderful time. He has a huge fan base and I guess I am a fan, but I really and sincerely love this man and all his truths. He inspired me and gave me good advice about addictions... he gave me a shot of his true loving energy that I am now a non smoker! I am addiction free. I have found passion again. I am free to be me. I am a human, animal loving passionate human. I believe in justice and equality. I feel like we are all God's children. I am not a religious person, I am a spiritual person. My beliefs are very personal, I do not need to quote scripture or tell you I am a good *Christian* or *Jew* or *Buddhist*, I have learned that most people that say *oh they are such good Christians* is translated as *they are really good backstabbing bench warmers. I love all my friends regardless of their race, creed, color, political party, religion or sexual preference. I have been de-friended on Facebook due to my passionate views on politics ... just because I believe in a Democratic society doesn't mean I don't love my republican friends who slam Obama and quote me scripture, I think it's wonderful that they have passion without hate. Tolerance, NOH8...

It is no longer important to me if you like me or not. Take me for who I am or satisfy yourself with a pretenders life. I have self love, self respect, integrity and do not need another human to complete me. I now am very solid with who I am. I have the very best friends on the planet from all walks of life.

I do owe a big thank you to Mary Bogue and Del Shores for supporting my life journey and believing in me when I didn't. I did not fell loved or worthy after losing Zoe'. I know she would want me to have never have lost it like I did when I lost her, but grief is a real bitch I wish on no one.

I have blood relatives that have zero love or care for me and that is so okay with me. I used to wonder why, now I am just SO thankful that I am not a member of their club...

Love is never wrong.

Be yourself. Realize only YOU can save YOU, it's a miracle and a great gift when you find a Mary and a Del in your life. I am humbled and thankful to be alive.

A BIG bonus re-entered my life, my best of best friends from High School found me and has added so much love and yearning to see her ... my girl Dimples Creamer.

I am blessed.

I am loved. I know only love.

I live in the house of love and share it with the two most loving beings (and most mis-judged breed) that are called animals but are really more loving, loyal, trustworthy and giving than most humans ... my Cartier and Trina.

I speak pitbullian fluently, it is the language of love!

...and it's April 17. 2011

I have no clue how this anniversary has been so horrific. I do not dwell on it, I do not try to think about it and when I do all I recall is the wonder of life with Zoe'.. she gave me a life of champagne and caviar and now it's like flat soda and potted meats. I really wish I were stronger than this and beat myself up for being such a weakling. I do not enjoy revisiting these days, yesterday was the anniversary of her funeral. from what I remember it was a horrible so UN-Zoe' ritual. I wanted a memorial service where she and her pas hung out and played guitars, but Daddy insisted and I was too weak and in such shock that I just did as I was told.

I carry around guilt - I did not do her well and do what she wished, my second one is not keeping my promise to Misty. She had had dreams of her in a body bag and made me swear on my Bible that if anything happened to her that Zoe' ,me and Josh would raise her. She made me swear to NEVER allow Trinity around Rick and Sherry because of their history AND how they treated her and Mom and Josh and me and Zoe'. We were those who loved her and she loved us - for the first time in her life she felt valued and loved. She was such a great mother and I can not EVER forgive myself for not honoring her wishes!! .. and of all places, Trinity was ILLEGALLY adopted by Rick and Sherry! The are evil, cruel hypocrites!!!

Grief is a real bitch! I already beat myself up that I am not strong enough to handle it after all these years and am so tired of hearing: "remember the good times" WHAT do people think I thin about? PLEASE clue me in, I would not miss her so very much if it wasn't for all the great and wonderful life she gave me !!!

I feel like I am falling with no where to land... I'm lost in a forest with no way out, it's cold dark and I can't breathe. I am seeing my shrink every opportunity, I'm trying to get myself to a place where I feel solid, stable and in the light ... I got to get busy living instead of just existing and dying. I firmly believe that cancer, heart disease and other serious health problems I have are due to grief ... then after being rejected by my family for ANY kind of support, I withdrew from an and all humans and became a total recluse. I am so afraid of trusting or loving, I feel I am a burden and everyone I love dies or goes to jail.

So, hopefully next year I will have over-come this internal calender and LIVE again. Grief be GONE and let my life be productive and loving ... the life Zoe' would want me to have!