April...

It's already April 5th and my calandar is still on March. I need to turn it over, it is scribbled and marked with Doctor appointments, labs,check-ups and important appointments and dates that I must keep... but I have the damnedest time turning it over and seeing that date April 13. I don't need to be reminded, there is a non-stop neon sign flashing in my subconscious internal calandar. I have been in therapy to try to understand how such an ungodly traumatic event could alter my life forever in so many ways. It not only breaks your heart, it attacks your psyche. I am proud to say I somehow someway have kept seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist, participated in a 7 year study of grief and some professionals say I am one in a million. I did not turn to alcohol or drug abuse but I certainly understand how anyone could and would seek a distraction of their reality. I have no idea why I didn't or why I don't succumb and seek to alter my reality. I beleieve God's grace and tender mercies prevent me from drowning myself in vodka and crack. I have met some that are in that world and am so thankful that I am not. But, don't think I am judging or feel all self-righteous, oh hell no! I understand completley and wish I could help them but know better and thank God for pointing me in another direction.

Has grief given me cancer? Has it put my health in limbo and most ofthe time hell? I have survived a hand dealt to me in life that should have killed me several times over since April 13, 2002.

If only it were true, the old saying "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". HAH! It's a mean, cruel malicious bitch but I won't go easy! WOW I just had an epiphany! That's why I am not some drunken crack whore running from my reality. I'm too stubborn to let it take me over mind body and soul ... it's a full time jobs looking for pieces of my shattered heart to put back together again!

All the king's horses and all the king's men just couldn't put my heart back together again...

April is here...

April. I don't like April. It's April 5 and I still won't turn the calendar over. It's marked and scribbled with Dr's appointments and a court date and reminders but it has that ugly day on there and I hate it and don't want to see the reminder that is already embedded in my subconscious like a flashing neon light, that dammit internal calendar.I have come to learn that you just live with it. No, it does not get "better". No, I will never "get over it". Until you are a member of the club do not assume how I feel.

My subconscious mind has a calendar that I learned about through my grief therapist.

Here she is, pink hair in braids. The last photos before she moved to Heaven. I relive every day...

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines day! I hope everyone feels loved and knows love. Love is unconditional, I have found that I can love without liking. I can give without taking. I can be alone and not feel lonely.

February 14, 1985 I got pregnant after a wonderful champagne, roses, lobster and chocolates celebration... and we were so in love. How awesome is that?

Today I celebrate the loves of my life and hope that you are as blessed as I to know love. Keep your heart full of the great joy of loving.

Happy Valentines from my heart to yours <3<3<3

keeping it real

I am writing my first post to advise, perhaps warn you that there is a lot of truths I have to tell. My intent is not to hurt, insult or defame. I need to vent, I see a therapist and she has encouraged me to blog and journal. I have three sisters. They are very different. They have done and said things that are malicious, not only to me but to so many. I need to know why they would treat anyone the way they have. I want to know what makes a person do what they have done. This is not a judgement call, it's a *I can get past this if it's acknowleded and explained*. I have only the truth to tell and hope someone can relate and give me some insight.
I have a lot of great and beautiful wonders to share.
Due to a cruel scolding for telling the truth and in a real crisis with health issues it's time to tell it like it is and keep it real hoping to get some authentic support from unselfish, loving people who do not participate in malicious vendettas, believe that love and truth will always stand and that you NEVER kick anyone when they are down...
keep it real and be kind to those who aren't!