It's already April 5th and my calandar is still on March. I need to turn it over, it is scribbled and marked with Doctor appointments, labs,check-ups and important appointments and dates that I must keep... but I have the damnedest time turning it over and seeing that date April 13. I don't need to be reminded, there is a non-stop neon sign flashing in my subconscious internal calandar. I have been in therapy to try to understand how such an ungodly traumatic event could alter my life forever in so many ways. It not only breaks your heart, it attacks your psyche. I am proud to say I somehow someway have kept seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist, participated in a 7 year study of grief and some professionals say I am one in a million. I did not turn to alcohol or drug abuse but I certainly understand how anyone could and would seek a distraction of their reality. I have no idea why I didn't or why I don't succumb and seek to alter my reality. I beleieve God's grace and tender mercies prevent me from drowning myself in vodka and crack. I have met some that are in that world and am so thankful that I am not. But, don't think I am judging or feel all self-righteous, oh hell no! I understand completley and wish I could help them but know better and thank God for pointing me in another direction.
Has grief given me cancer? Has it put my health in limbo and most ofthe time hell? I have survived a hand dealt to me in life that should have killed me several times over since April 13, 2002.
If only it were true, the old saying "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". HAH! It's a mean, cruel malicious bitch but I won't go easy! WOW I just had an epiphany! That's why I am not some drunken crack whore running from my reality. I'm too stubborn to let it take me over mind body and soul ... it's a full time jobs looking for pieces of my shattered heart to put back together again!
All the king's horses and all the king's men just couldn't put my heart back together again...
