the bus and the crack ho

 I haven't felt like being on face book, reading emails or turning on my computer. Around the first of the month the pollen here was horrific. I then developed a sinus infection that had my face aching so bad I could not rub my nose or turn my neck. I really thought my head was a watermelon ready to explode. The last thing I wanted was to sit in my fucking doctors office full of screaming kids and sick people. I had to go and it was like a war zone. Seriously, why the fuck do people go to the doctor and bring four or five people to accompany them? I went just to get a big fat shot of anti biotic. I was miserable and did not want company. My ears were ringing, I was running a fever and had little patience for a crazed crack ho screaming to someone on her cell phone until her battery died, then she got on her hands and knees searching for an outlet to charge her phone so she could continue her rant. While on all fours she bumped into a toddler and gave him a big bang in the head, so then he was screaming. The waiting room was now SRO and I will be damned if a party of eight (8) rolled in like they were waiting for a table at IHOP. Evidentally they were there to watch TV, they were loving the shit out of that flatscreen. I thought there for a moment like they were worshipping a shrine like our lady of Guadalupe. I was having a serious "I wanna go postal" moment because the goddamned tv was on Fox news, I mean really? Really? Why the fuck is my sick ass parked in the middle of the shrine of the flat screen,  a crack ho on all fours screaming "are you da bus driver? I said ARE you the bus driver?". Oh PS and btw, there is NO public transportation in this one horse town.  I told the receptionist I was going to step outside for some air, quiet and could I please have a tiny taste of water to swallow down my much needed xanax? Outside was this really cool chick who had an infant, a teenager and this really cool 8 year old boy who manned up and said "I wish they'd hurry up, I just wanna get a shot and go home". I was finally among the kindred spirits, the sick and the sane, well for maybe four minutes. Our solace was abruptly interrupted when three of the ferrel children of the party of eight go running to a van  and out runs a poor little chiwawa and they are each cradling 4-5  bottled water with little water but just the right size to smash and throw at each other, took the mirror off a nice new car and torture the poor dog...(I prayed, please if there is a god please, please just throw me under the bus the crack ho is screaming at...)  but then one hit me! Mother of god! My xanax had not kicked in and I do not know how I kept my shit together. I had to put my hand over my foul mouth which by the way hurt to touch,seriously I could not put on lip balm on my cracked lips.  I couldn't scream and cuss three unruly children that were let loose in a very busy parking lot, two cars had already laid on the horn to keep from hitting them. So, I marched into the office and told the receptionist that I could not take it, I was going home to die in peace. She saw where I was watered down from the bottle splat and said "hon, I only gave you a pill cup of water, how could you spill one swaller (swallow, this is the south) of water and be drenched"?  I told her what happened and just started to cry. I was miserable and I had been there for almost three hours of pure unadulterated hell.. Doc was stuck comin round the mountain where the big rock blocked the highway up in Ducktown, that's  the town next to Hangin Dawg ... I had arrived via a taxi and had them coming to get me when she had mercy on me and got me back in a room. I was on time and there were only two patients ahead of me, at 1:00, now it's 3fucking30!
I was happier then a cheap whore in a motel when the church conventions came to town! My beloved Muslim doctor finally came in and I said "I do believe it would be easier to get an appointment with the Pope." He was apologizing and I was like dude please, I love and adore you, I pissed for you I gave you some blood and all I want is a shot of antibiotics and I'm outta here, you got the masses to heal... he looked over my labs and said "wow, you have serious infection, this is bad very bad, oh I am so sorry, why didn't you come in before now, you should not have let it get so bad tsk tsk "  he  touched my face to check my ears, nose and throat and I screamed like a wounded animal in the wild. I did not mean to, it actually startled me,,,I do not recall that sound ever coming out of me, oh yeah,  I had made that eerie sound before, when I was in fucking labor for 36 fucking hours refusing pain meds and they wouldn't give me an epidural until I had to have an emergency c-section!
So, what does Doc wanna do? Talk about my best bud hair stylist that his wife adores and they both go to Michael. Holy mother of god, I tell him Michael is moving on up. He's off to greener pastures and gayer places than this hellhole hypocrite rightwinged fucktardville.. and Doc is having a breakdown, his voice is cracking, he turned pale (should I scream for the nurse?)  and is worried his wife will be broken hearted and why, why would Michael leave? Seriously, no joke I told Michael I thought this man was gonna melt down, I was reaching in my purse to give him a xanax!  He is begging me to talk him out of it ... I said "I will do anything, anything I swear to god and all the saints I will if you will just please I beg you, just a shot of antibiotics." Now he goes all Doctor on me. " you are allergic to penicillin .  Really? What? Have I died and gone to hell? Huh? What the fuck? Am I delusional and hearing voices from a high fever? I don't care, give me a release to sign to release you of any and all liability, I have a hard time with tolerating any antibiotics and was
told by my mother that I was allergic. I really hate doing the Z-pack, I have to take so many pills a day, every day and goodgod the last time you gave me an oral antibiotic I got cootchie rot and then you had to phone in  nausea medication and the *ouch fire in the hole medication...
I have a shit load of health issues.I have dropped dead a couple of times and come back. I now have a great reason to live and live well.  I quit cigarettes, caffeine and sugar. I don't drink alcohol. I  would love to smoke (I don't know if I could inhale since quitting cigs) a big joint! However I am under the care of a specialist that requires random drug screens so I don't.  I sincerely feel that medical marijuana makes more sense than potentially becoming physically addicted to opiates.
My bad trip to the good Doc (my pcp) reminds me to stay with specialists. I adore my pcp but I would rather go if I am not sick because that was a helluva  day. Going through my appointment book I saw my date with the Doc and had a really good laugh albeit I was not at all amused at the time, it is surreal and hilarious. I wonder if the crack ho ever found her bus, seriously Grayhound does not even stop within 30 miles of this hellhole, I wonder, is that a code for crack? hmmm... bless her heart... I wonder about those children and seriously wonder how anyone could possibly be so negligent of their safety,fuck the bad manners and behavior, those children were not cherished enough to just not keep them safe from cars in a very busy parking lot at a very busy street. Maybe that day was meant to remind me how very much I love my daughter, she lives forever in my heart. I miss her every day. Some days I cry with pain of a shattered heart. At least I know this: I took motherhood as the greatest  honor a woman can have. I loved being mommy. It irks me  look at all the bitches droppin litters
I guess I will never know.

the authentic life

~CARTIER~

au-then-tic

[aw-then-tik]

-adjective

genuine,real

I am just that. I do not try to be anyone but me. I have come to a great place in life after losing Zoe'. I have actually desired to live the best life possible. I just existed after losing Zoe'. I died that day. I lost my identity and purpose in life. The wind was knocked out of me and there was no color in my world.

Then Del Shores came into my life, first via TV then finding him only to see when the second season of SORDID LIVES would begin. We began an online friendship. I was physically very sick and emotionally bankrupt. His series gave me a new found laughter I had lost. Then we began talking and he was so authentic and his loving generosity gave me validation, a purpose if you will, to live. He sent me the series on DVD then two of his plays and this man gave me so much of his soul just by reading his plays and true words that I started to bloom. For the first time in 8 or 7 years (at that time) I was a total recluse. I was the walking wounded with severe trust issues. I have been in therapy and seeing a shrink since I forgot how to live. Thank God I had the good sense to seek help, but a shrink and therapist can only do so much. I had to do the work, but I could not find a reason or a purpose outside of Cartier and Trina ( my beloved pooches). In one year I was in ICU seven times, had surgery on both eyes and did a five day stay at the Chattanooga Heart Institute. Everyone that came into my life was needing a place to stay or looking for a vulnerable person to use. I was shocked and amazed that Del wanted nothing from me but to just live and live well. My best friends are in LA and I do know how very much they love and cherish me, but 3000 miles away is a hard hug to touch...

Del was doing a show in Atlanta on March 4, 2011 and filming his play THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF A TRAILER PARK HOUSEWIFE. I had to meet this man, if I had to walk to Atlanta I was going! I found some people to take me and meeting him was like I knew him forever. I was alive again. He inspired me beyond my wildest dreams. Then again I went to see him in Knoxville July 4, 2011. I got to meet his husband Jason Dottley and watch him do POP IT. I had the most wonderful time. He has a huge fan base and I guess I am a fan, but I really and sincerely love this man and all his truths. He inspired me and gave me good advice about addictions... he gave me a shot of his true loving energy that I am now a non smoker! I am addiction free. I have found passion again. I am free to be me. I am a human, animal loving passionate human. I believe in justice and equality. I feel like we are all God's children. I am not a religious person, I am a spiritual person. My beliefs are very personal, I do not need to quote scripture or tell you I am a good *Christian* or *Jew* or *Buddhist*, I have learned that most people that say *oh they are such good Christians* is translated as *they are really good backstabbing bench warmers. I love all my friends regardless of their race, creed, color, political party, religion or sexual preference. I have been de-friended on Facebook due to my passionate views on politics ... just because I believe in a Democratic society doesn't mean I don't love my republican friends who slam Obama and quote me scripture, I think it's wonderful that they have passion without hate. Tolerance, NOH8...

It is no longer important to me if you like me or not. Take me for who I am or satisfy yourself with a pretenders life. I have self love, self respect, integrity and do not need another human to complete me. I now am very solid with who I am. I have the very best friends on the planet from all walks of life.

I do owe a big thank you to Mary Bogue and Del Shores for supporting my life journey and believing in me when I didn't. I did not fell loved or worthy after losing Zoe'. I know she would want me to have never have lost it like I did when I lost her, but grief is a real bitch I wish on no one.

I have blood relatives that have zero love or care for me and that is so okay with me. I used to wonder why, now I am just SO thankful that I am not a member of their club...

Love is never wrong.

Be yourself. Realize only YOU can save YOU, it's a miracle and a great gift when you find a Mary and a Del in your life. I am humbled and thankful to be alive.

A BIG bonus re-entered my life, my best of best friends from High School found me and has added so much love and yearning to see her ... my girl Dimples Creamer.

I am blessed.

I am loved. I know only love.

I live in the house of love and share it with the two most loving beings (and most mis-judged breed) that are called animals but are really more loving, loyal, trustworthy and giving than most humans ... my Cartier and Trina.

I speak pitbullian fluently, it is the language of love!

...and it's April 17. 2011

I have no clue how this anniversary has been so horrific. I do not dwell on it, I do not try to think about it and when I do all I recall is the wonder of life with Zoe'.. she gave me a life of champagne and caviar and now it's like flat soda and potted meats. I really wish I were stronger than this and beat myself up for being such a weakling. I do not enjoy revisiting these days, yesterday was the anniversary of her funeral. from what I remember it was a horrible so UN-Zoe' ritual. I wanted a memorial service where she and her pas hung out and played guitars, but Daddy insisted and I was too weak and in such shock that I just did as I was told.

I carry around guilt - I did not do her well and do what she wished, my second one is not keeping my promise to Misty. She had had dreams of her in a body bag and made me swear on my Bible that if anything happened to her that Zoe' ,me and Josh would raise her. She made me swear to NEVER allow Trinity around Rick and Sherry because of their history AND how they treated her and Mom and Josh and me and Zoe'. We were those who loved her and she loved us - for the first time in her life she felt valued and loved. She was such a great mother and I can not EVER forgive myself for not honoring her wishes!! .. and of all places, Trinity was ILLEGALLY adopted by Rick and Sherry! The are evil, cruel hypocrites!!!

Grief is a real bitch! I already beat myself up that I am not strong enough to handle it after all these years and am so tired of hearing: "remember the good times" WHAT do people think I thin about? PLEASE clue me in, I would not miss her so very much if it wasn't for all the great and wonderful life she gave me !!!

I feel like I am falling with no where to land... I'm lost in a forest with no way out, it's cold dark and I can't breathe. I am seeing my shrink every opportunity, I'm trying to get myself to a place where I feel solid, stable and in the light ... I got to get busy living instead of just existing and dying. I firmly believe that cancer, heart disease and other serious health problems I have are due to grief ... then after being rejected by my family for ANY kind of support, I withdrew from an and all humans and became a total recluse. I am so afraid of trusting or loving, I feel I am a burden and everyone I love dies or goes to jail.

So, hopefully next year I will have over-come this internal calender and LIVE again. Grief be GONE and let my life be productive and loving ... the life Zoe' would want me to have!

April...

It's already April 5th and my calandar is still on March. I need to turn it over, it is scribbled and marked with Doctor appointments, labs,check-ups and important appointments and dates that I must keep... but I have the damnedest time turning it over and seeing that date April 13. I don't need to be reminded, there is a non-stop neon sign flashing in my subconscious internal calandar. I have been in therapy to try to understand how such an ungodly traumatic event could alter my life forever in so many ways. It not only breaks your heart, it attacks your psyche. I am proud to say I somehow someway have kept seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist, participated in a 7 year study of grief and some professionals say I am one in a million. I did not turn to alcohol or drug abuse but I certainly understand how anyone could and would seek a distraction of their reality. I have no idea why I didn't or why I don't succumb and seek to alter my reality. I beleieve God's grace and tender mercies prevent me from drowning myself in vodka and crack. I have met some that are in that world and am so thankful that I am not. But, don't think I am judging or feel all self-righteous, oh hell no! I understand completley and wish I could help them but know better and thank God for pointing me in another direction.

Has grief given me cancer? Has it put my health in limbo and most ofthe time hell? I have survived a hand dealt to me in life that should have killed me several times over since April 13, 2002.

If only it were true, the old saying "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". HAH! It's a mean, cruel malicious bitch but I won't go easy! WOW I just had an epiphany! That's why I am not some drunken crack whore running from my reality. I'm too stubborn to let it take me over mind body and soul ... it's a full time jobs looking for pieces of my shattered heart to put back together again!

All the king's horses and all the king's men just couldn't put my heart back together again...

April is here...

April. I don't like April. It's April 5 and I still won't turn the calendar over. It's marked and scribbled with Dr's appointments and a court date and reminders but it has that ugly day on there and I hate it and don't want to see the reminder that is already embedded in my subconscious like a flashing neon light, that dammit internal calendar.I have come to learn that you just live with it. No, it does not get "better". No, I will never "get over it". Until you are a member of the club do not assume how I feel.

My subconscious mind has a calendar that I learned about through my grief therapist.

Here she is, pink hair in braids. The last photos before she moved to Heaven. I relive every day...

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines day! I hope everyone feels loved and knows love. Love is unconditional, I have found that I can love without liking. I can give without taking. I can be alone and not feel lonely.

February 14, 1985 I got pregnant after a wonderful champagne, roses, lobster and chocolates celebration... and we were so in love. How awesome is that?

Today I celebrate the loves of my life and hope that you are as blessed as I to know love. Keep your heart full of the great joy of loving.

Happy Valentines from my heart to yours <3<3<3