I have no clue how this anniversary has been so horrific. I do not dwell on it, I do not try to think about it and when I do all I recall is the wonder of life with Zoe'.. she gave me a life of champagne and caviar and now it's like flat soda and potted meats. I really wish I were stronger than this and beat myself up for being such a weakling. I do not enjoy revisiting these days, yesterday was the anniversary of her funeral. from what I remember it was a horrible so UN-Zoe' ritual. I wanted a memorial service where she and her pas hung out and played guitars, but Daddy insisted and I was too weak and in such shock that I just did as I was told.
I carry around guilt - I did not do her well and do what she wished, my second one is not keeping my promise to Misty. She had had dreams of her in a body bag and made me swear on my Bible that if anything happened to her that Zoe' ,me and Josh would raise her. She made me swear to NEVER allow Trinity around Rick and Sherry because of their history AND how they treated her and Mom and Josh and me and Zoe'. We were those who loved her and she loved us - for the first time in her life she felt valued and loved. She was such a great mother and I can not EVER forgive myself for not honoring her wishes!! .. and of all places, Trinity was ILLEGALLY adopted by Rick and Sherry! The are evil, cruel hypocrites!!!
Grief is a real bitch! I already beat myself up that I am not strong enough to handle it after all these years and am so tired of hearing: "remember the good times" WHAT do people think I thin about? PLEASE clue me in, I would not miss her so very much if it wasn't for all the great and wonderful life she gave me !!!
I feel like I am falling with no where to land... I'm lost in a forest with no way out, it's cold dark and I can't breathe. I am seeing my shrink every opportunity, I'm trying to get myself to a place where I feel solid, stable and in the light ... I got to get busy living instead of just existing and dying. I firmly believe that cancer, heart disease and other serious health problems I have are due to grief ... then after being rejected by my family for ANY kind of support, I withdrew from an and all humans and became a total recluse. I am so afraid of trusting or loving, I feel I am a burden and everyone I love dies or goes to jail.
So, hopefully next year I will have over-come this internal calender and LIVE again. Grief be GONE and let my life be productive and loving ... the life Zoe' would want me to have!
